Shatter The Silence™

I was raped by three people. My roommate, her boyfriend, and a friend of hers who I did not know she knew, who I had been sleeping with for a short time.

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I am a survivor of incest. There is still incest going on in my family.  It is my family’s idea of fun. My mother is in major, and I mean major, denial and does not think anything is wrong.

I woke up in a cold sweat; I sat up in bed and tried to calm myself down. My heart was beating fast and my palms were sweating. I sat up on my bed and looked around my bedroom. It got more difficult to breath. I looked at the clock on the bedside table, it read 3:28am, and I stared at the numbers as I tried to ground myself. Another nightmare of being back at Coast Guard. Waking up with a nightmare had been what I have grown used to and happens every night since I was raped by a shipmate. 4:00am: still trying to regulate my breathing as I tell myself “you are safe now, you are no longer at the Station.” 5:30am my alarm went off as I got out of bed ready to share my story once again.

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I knew him. We had been seeing each other for about a month. This was not the first time we had sex, but I knew something was different. We were at a party. We were fighting about his ex-girlfriend. I told him I didn’t want to spend the night with him. I packed my things. He was screaming obscenities and cursing me. As my hand grasped the door handle, his mood suddently changed. He was so sweet and sincere. He apologized. I realize now that he was not used to being told ‘no.’ I decided to stay because he told me it would be embarassing for him if I left. I went straight to bed and told him I just wanted to sleep. A few moments later I felt him tearing at my clothes. I told him to stop, but he only responded by kissing me. I told him no and began to scream, and his response was to press his hand over my mouth. I felt my shorts come off. I felt him trying to penetrate me. I remember the pain. I was crying. He kept forcing himself into me and, finally, his body tensed and relaxed. He rolled off me and threw my shorts back at me. Through my tears I remember him saying “Good night.” I knew him.

When I was younger my grandmother touched me inappropriately. I feel so guilty and sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I was only a young child and didn’t really understand what was going on, but it felt wrong. I kept asking her stop, but she just held my down and said no you’ll like it. It’s hard to explain how I feel… I’m so overwhelmed with emotions it’s getting hard to tell them apart and I’m starting to just feel numb inside. I don’t understand why she did it. I don’t understand why people hurt others. I don’t understand and that makes me afraid. I just can’t understand the cruel people in the world and why so many are hurt…