I was raped by three people. My roommate, her boyfriend, and a friend of hers who I did not know she knew, who I had been sleeping with for a short time.
I think I drank chloroform. It tasted bad. The whole story is shamefully stupid. I am not bright. I made mistakes so ridiculous I really can’t explain myself. I don’t believe anyone else I know would be foolish enough for this to happen to them.
I rented a room in a house with complete strangers. I was enchanted by all of them. I found them incredibly impressive, beautiful and strong. Quickly this woman began to creep me out, and I did not listen to my fear. I’m a shallow idiot. I would ignore what she was saying, just enjoying the sight of her, knowing she was mean and creepy to me.
They were heroin users, turns out. She shot me up long before the rape. Just like when I was raped, I didn’t let myself think about it. I was asleep when it happened and I slept for a day. When I woke and went down to the kitchen, roommates exclaimed that they thought I would never wake up. I said its ok, I do that sometimes. They pointed out the giant bruise on my arm. I wouldn’t have known what it was if I had been willing to think about it. But I could’ve found out. I still have the red mark. I wonder if it will ever go away.
It took about 9 months to admit to myself what happened. At first, I kept telling myself there was no penetration. Eventually that part came back to me. I t happened at the guy’s house, the one I was hooking up with. I passed out after drinking whatever. I remember listening to them talk while I couldn’t open my eyes. I remember when they took my pants off they were complaining. I remember the girl licked me once, and I responded in an encouraging way. She made fun of me. I remember them lifting me up by my hair and holding me there for a long time.
I remember opening my eyes, I think I was dressed again, and my roommate and her boyfriend stood before me adjusting their belts or something. We made eye contact before I had to close them again. I listened, they said “that was a good look she gave us, really evil.” Then they pretended to leave.
Then, I don’t remember how I was drugged again, or if I was. This is the part I find particularly hard to remember. The guy I’d thought I liked raped me. When it was over I heard the girl say “okay now we can leave.” So now I wonder if I know which dude it was, or if it was her.
Remembering this helped me remember other things, like my dad hurting me when I was a child. Is getting raped going to keep happening throughout my whole life? Can I face reality? Will I ever remember all the things that have happened?