I started dating my first boyfriend when I was almost 15. We innocently dated a few months and then broke up.
We went back out on a date and he was all over me. His best friend that was older drove us to a secluded park and got out of the car. I was caught off guard that he was making out with me heavily and immediately trying to unbutton my pants. He shoved his hand down my pants. I was panicked and frozen. He did not put his hands inside me but did not remove his hand from my pants right away. After that he got out of the car and was whispering to his friend. They were both standing at the trunk and I was still in the car. I felt uncomfortable. I was nervous but I still liked him and I did right by stopping him. After a few months he started pressuring me into taking our relationship to the next level. It came to the point that that’s all he would talk about. I did love him but I kept saying no. One night we were both drinking and he would not take no for an answer. I would say, “no, not yet, wait, im not ready. All I remember is being face down on my bed and being really confused. He was going to have sex with me no matter what despite all my efforts to say no and stop him but he was so wasted drunk that he was unsuccessful. Not too long after, he was going away to college and I tried to break up with him. He promised me till he was blue in the face that he loved me and only me and he begged to stay together. I loved him and believed him. After some time we took our relationship to the next level. We did love eachother so I dont regret that. I just wish he didnt pressure so much. However he started to get really pushy with the sex like it was expected on demand. I felt pressure to keep up because of low self esteem, he was my first and only boyfriend and I did love him.
The night of my junior prom we did have sex and then I wanted to hang out with my friends. He did not want me to. We started argueing because he felt like I was ignoring him alot of the night He was also angry because I was not really drinking at the after party and he paid for me to. We spent the majority of the night upstairs arguing. At one point in the middle of the night, after long time of arguing. I was sitting on the floor hugging my knees in silence, saddened by the arguing and the whole night. He was kneeling on the floor not far from me. He came over to me for sex and I said no. He started pulling my shorts down and I pulled them back up. He put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me back hard. I hit my head on the floor and it hurt and I immediatly started crying. I grabbed my head with my hands and in the midst he pulled my pants down and began to have unprotected sex. He was much bigger than me and in really great shape. The weight of him plus my shock left me to put up no fight. I looked at him for a second because i thought he would stop since i had said no and now i was crying and I thought for sure that when he saw my reaction he would stop. He kept going. I was shocked and numbed. I turned my head the opposite way as far as it would go and stayed frozen that way until he finished. I rolled over, pulled my pants up and went to sleep. He laid next to me and we both slept right there on the floor.
When I woke up the next day, I was exhausted from being up all night and I kept thinking is what happened was true. I kept thinking “was i raped by my boyfriend, who i love?” I remember sitting on the sofa with him the next day, sleepily and waiting to see if he would say anything or address it or apologize. My brain kept dismissing it. He never spoke of it and neither did I. It is now 9 1/2 yrs later. He refuses to meet up with me so I can confront him. Eventually my voice will be heard but at least I started by shattering the silence.