TW: Drugs, Rape. #Weshattersilence submission from 25 Years Old in Atlanta, GA

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I Wanted to See the Aquarium

The first person that ever saw my bare chest was Jimmy.

We were both 12 at the time.

It started off as playful kissing and after saying no a few times, he forced my shirt up so he could see my chest. I laughed and ran away.

Jimmy was the son of my dad’s best friend.

Parents that are best friends — they make their kids hang out.

They’ve always lived far away, but we would visit them in the summers and attend large family gatherings.

So there was a party and that’s the first time I met Jimmy’s cousin Colin. I was 14, Colin was 18.

The first person that ever offered me a drink was Colin. We were standing in the side yard with a bunch of kids and he offered me a drink. I said no because my little brother was standing right there (and I’m too stubborn to fall into peer pressure). Years passed. Colin would comment on my Instagram posts, text me on my birthday, ask when I was coming to visit again — all very innocently.

I liked the attention.

When I was a sophomore in college I was feeling adventurous with the freedom of college and a little money in my pocket. I told Colin I wanted to see the aquarium where he lived because it was the largest in the country. I bought a plane ticket. He bought us aquarium tickets. I was 19, Colin was 23.

He was a family friend so I figured it was fine. My dad knew I would be there — we even scheduled lunch with his best friend (Colin’s uncle) so I could see him while I was there. Colin picked me up from the airport and we had a very easy going day and a half with the aquarium, exploring, and trying new food. Anytime I picked up my phone he told me to stop texting my friends and pay attention to what was happening with him.

When it came time for sleeping, he said to share the bed with him. I said no both nights and slept on the floor. When I showered, I took all my clothes in the bathroom so I didn’t have to walk around in a towel. I didn’t bring flirty clothing with me. We went to hang out with his college friends — guys and girls. We watched football, ate Chinese food, played frisbee, and made a last minute decision to go see Andy Grammar and O.A.R. Colin offered to buy my ticket, I said no and paid for myself. Sitting on the rooftop bar above the concert venue I used my fake I.D. to get myself a Blue Moon.

I felt so cool.

Everyone in the group went down to the concert, Colin said to stay with him for one more drink. He sat across from me and told me he wished I lived near him because he would date me in a second. I rejected that notion — friend zoned him.

He seemed to take it well. We walked downstairs and found the group we came with.

The next time I had a glimpse of consciousness, I had fallen off the back of a barstool onto my back and the bouncer was kicking me out.

Andy Grammar played a full set. O.A.R. played a full set. I got photos taken with Andy Grammar (I only know because I have the photos).

We left and went to four different bars, all using my fake I.D. I have no idea how I got in. I don’t remember anything.

The next morning Colin dropped me off at the airport. I went to the bathroom after I got through security and it hurt as I peed. I texted Colin and asked if we had sex. He said yes. I was very confused. I flew home, told my dad it was a great trip and drove back to college. I was at college for a few hours when my hands and feet started to swell and I broke out in hives. I went to MedExpress and got a steroid shot.

It didn’t help. My hands swelled so badly that I couldn’t sign my discharge papers at the ER later that night after more allergy medicine and steroids. Days passed. A glimpse of consciousness came back to me. I was on a futon with Colin over me, forcing himself into me. I sat up, grabbed my jeans, and walked into the bathroom.

Did that really happen or was that just a dream?

Days or weeks later I was in the mall when an O.A.R. song started playing and I burst into tears and needed to leave. I didn’t know why. In the weeks that followed, I started drinking a lot. I started blacking out a lot. But no blackout was quite like that night with Colin. I started to realize the night with Colin wasn’t a normal blackout.

I looked up the reactions to being allergic to date rape drugs. The reaction to GHB can take up to 24-48 hours to set in — enough time for me to get back to college without a reaction.

That’s when — about two months after the trip — I realized and accepted that Colin had drugged and raped me. I went home for a weekend and told my dad.

He punched the kitchen counter and then walked over and hugged me.

My dad called his friend and yelled. Colin’s dad called my dad and said he would force Colin on a plane to come up and apologize to me.

I said no. I never wanted to see them again. My dad refuses to travel to that city, not even for business.

I didn’t eat Pho for years because Colin taught me how to eat it. I cringe when I see a Mazda Miata.

I can’t listen to certain music from that weekend (even though I don’t remember hearing it).

When I got my wisdom teeth out at 23 years old, I was allergic to the fentanyl. Fentanyl allergies are related to GHB allergies. It’s been about 5 years. I still live with it every day. I still question myself.

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TW: Molestation. #Weshattersilence submission from 15 Years Old in Norwalk, OH

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I was staying at my friends house like i had many times before. she fell asleep on the floor, while i fell asleep on the couch .. her father was sitting at the end of this couch. i woke up with him touching me on the chest..i didnt know what to do i was so scared, i was thinkin to myself if i yell he may turn violent, so i sat there and prayed to god that this would end i was screaming so loud inside but no one could here me. He reached his hand lower onto my body, he got to the lining of my pants and i pretended to shift in my sleep. it worked he moved his hand back up 2 my chest but know.. his body was moving, i had no idea what he was doing. he was grabbing me harder on the chest now and then i realized he had been masturbating. Tears were pourin from my eyes, i tried not to let him see and to still pretend to be asleep. He left the house when someone called shortly after…I broke down when he left i didnt tell anyone though. not until recently. I dont dare tell my friend though.. im too scared she’ll hate me. i still dont understand why this happened to me or what i did wrong or any of the things i feel now. That night something inside me changed, its like an innocent part of me died. Any child like feelings i had left me that night. And reality struck me.

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TW: Sexual abuse. #Weshattersilence submission from Australia

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I was sexually abused by my father for a period of 6 years while I was growing up. Now, as a grown adult, I find that I was not alone in this plight, friends and other family members are also effected. I was shocked to read that one in four women are effected by sexual abuse. I feel that this is an undercurrent in society and that it must be dealt with, rather than keeping silent about a huge issue.

Silence only continues the abuse, not dealing with it and minimising the effects cause so much sorrow and pain. Why is everyone so silent. Why? Why must this topic be so difficult to talk about – why is there shame and guilt? It is a crime, it should be treated as such.

Why are the courts so overloaded, allowing the perps to continue walking, abusing? Why must I be told to wait for justice, if I ever receive justice at all.

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TW: Child abuse, domestic violence. #Weshattersilence submission from 34 Years Old in Gettysburg, PA

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From an early age, I was subjected to sexual abuse. I was victimized by a relative when I was a child, yet barely anyone believed me. None of my abusers ever had to serve any time in jail. I got into a marriage ruled by Domestic Violence. I left my husband when I was 6 months pregnant. I didn’t get involved with anyone for another several years. That was a mistake, too – he became very violent and I left him only about a month or two after we started seeing one another. It was only a few months later when I was raped. The only way I can prosecute him is if I show up HIV+. Thank God I’m negative, but I haven’t been with anyone since then. I now volunteer with Survivor’s, Inc. and am on the Board of Directors for the same organization. I am currently a college student and trying to get TBTN and DVA Nights started here. I also write poetry and wrote a song called “Take Back The Night” which I perform yearly. I have nothing to hide and only want to help other victims find their voice. There’s more to my story, but not enough space here to tell you. Bless you for having this site and for helping others!

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TW: sexual abuse. #Weshattersilence submission from 18 Years Old in Orlando, FL

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My stepfather sexually molested me before I knew what those words meant, especially together. He finally stopped after reading what i wrote in my journal. i’ve told few people. I don’t report him because another failed marriage would destroy my mother…

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TW: Drugs, gang rape. #Weshattersilence submission from 45 Years Old in Bakersfield, CA

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On July 19, 2003, my 14 year old daughter went to a party with a girlfriend, and was given date rape drugs, held down and raped by several young men. The DNA came back showing only one man did not use protection. He also raped a 12 year old neighbor while waiting to hear the outcome of the charges from raping my daughter. He avoided jail by convincing the judge to use a Deferred entry of judgement, a loophole in California law created with the election of Prop. 21. Senator Roy Ashburn now has a bill pending in the Capitol, SB 520, and Assemblywoman Audra Strickland has a similar bill, AB 743. You can go to aroundthecapitol.com and type in the bills under search, and get a chance to e-mail the committees who are hearing these bills. Please put your voice out there for them to hear, even if you are not from our state. It is important that we close these loopholes which allow rapists to walk free.

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TW: Rape. #Weshattersilence submission from 20 Years Old in Unknown, OH (1)

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My story begins in late October of 2003. I had met “Ryan” online. I guess I should have known to be more careful, but since the time my father had passed away I had become more reckless, I was somewhat promiscuous. I met with “Ryan” several times, and we started getting closer. On October 31st,a saturday, the program that I lived with at college was going to be having a halloween party. “Ryan” expressed an interest in coming down to it, so I drove up to his house to bring him down.

When I got to his house, he had already been drinking. I guess looking back that should have been my first sign, but like I said “what if’s” won’t help me write this. We left his house, returning to my school, and he continued to drink the entire way back to school and he continued to get worse and worse.

Once we got there and got up to my dorm room so I could change, he began to be beligerant to my roommate and was harassing her. She left to go to the party, I finished getting ready, and we headed downstairs to the part. By this time he wasn’t feeling well and was getting sick, so I told one of the girls running the party that I would be back later, because I was supposed to help out.

I ran back upstairs and changed out of my costume. I was a victorian vampire, I can remember all the details of my dress: the color, the way my hair was, my makeup. So many insignificant details. I can see my friend when i told her I had to leave, I remeber all the decorations in the basement. I can see it all in perfect detail, those few hours before my life was forever changed.

The drive back was pretty uneventful, with the exception of him trying to get out of my car while I was doing 70 on the freeway. I got him home and while he was able to get out of the car by himself, he almost passedout at the door, and I had to use his keys to get into his house. He crawled in the door and passed out on the floor. Now I had never seen anyone so drunk before and I was worried that he would be ok or not. I helped him up and got him on to the couch. I think back on this moment and wonder why I stayed, why I worried about him. I didn’t know him that well, why did I care. I guess I’ll never be able to answer those questions.

He gained some semblance of consciousness while he was sitting on the couch. I asked him if he was ok, and if he needed anything. He got this look in his eyes, its a look I’ll never forget. I’ll never know how he did it, but he grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me back on the couch. I was wearing a long skirt so he was able to pull it up. I kept telling him no, and that I didn’t want to, but it was like he wasn’t there. His eyes where blank as he watched me struggle against him. He ripped my underwear off and pushed himself inside of me. I remember crying, and I just kept begging him to stop.

I don’t know how much time passed, but he was finally done. He got off me and just went back to sitting on the couch and he turned on the TV. For me it was like I wasnt’ there anymore. I couldn’t understand how he could just sit there like nothing had happened. I sat up, pulling down my skirt, I couldn’t find my underwear. I never said a word to him, I just picked up my purse and calmly walked out the door. The minute the door was closed I ran to my car, it was like as soon as that door was closed between him and me, I could feel again. My body hurt everywhere.

I got in my car and drove. I don’t remember where I went though, school was only half an hour to 45 minutes away and it was about 1am or so. I didn’t get back to my dorm until 10:30 that morning….I have no memory of those hours.

_____________________________________________________________

I went to the college wellness center was examined and was given the morning after pill. I tried to continue school, but my grades started slipping. The spring semester rolled around and i was placed on academic probation. I started not going to classes, not doing homework, just generally not caring abotu school because I couldn’t care about myself. Towards the end of the year on of my professors tol dme I would fail his class and that i should get a withdrawal from it, so that it didn’t affect my grades. To do so, I had to petition the deans office. I waited over a week for an answer from them, and when i got it, it wasn’t what I expected. I was granted the withdrawal, but I was being forced to take a leave of absence do that I could deal with my “issues”. The wellness center had told the deans office everything that had happened, and the deans answer to that was to kick me out for a semester. _____________________________________________________________

I would be a year and a half before the semblance of life that I had made for myself would be destroyed again. I had returned to school. I had jumped through every hoop that the deans wanted me to and I was allowed to return.

It was May 7th, the guy that I had been seeing on and off again since January, “Allan,” asked me to come down to visit him. I hadn’t seen him in about a month, so I decided it was a good idea. I had an idea that he was expecting something to happen because we had been intimate before, but it wasn’t what I wanted to see him for. I got there and he buzzed me into his apartment. I went in and he was naked, just about to take a bath. I came in and got settled, I started flipping through the channels on the TV. “Allan” was in the bathtub and he called for me to come to him in the bathroom. I got up and peered around the corner: he was sitting in the tub and he was shaving himself down there. I wouldn’t know how important that was to be until later.

He came out of the bathroom wearing just his boxers and a t-shirt, and sat down next to me to me to watch TV. We smoked some weed and he had a few beers. After while he got hungry so I cooked dinner for him. We continued watching TV for awhile when we leaned over and started kissing me. When he started trying to touch me I told him to stop and that I didn’t want to. He stopped and just went back to watching TV; it was almost like he forgot that I was there. A few minutes passed and he started trying to kiss me again, and one again I told him to stop. This time he stopped long enough to get up and grab my arm and drag me to his bedroom.

He pushed me on to the bed, and because I was wearing a skirt and tank top he was able to just push them up while he went to hold me hands down above my head. When he got my skirt up he pushed his fingers into me. It felt like he was digging his nails into me. The louder I would cry the more he would hurt me. He stopped that and because he was wearing boxers he pushed himself inside of me. He let go of my arms and I started pushing at him trying to get him off of me. He got angry and bit me in several places on my chest. When I started screaming he wrapped his hands around my neck and started choking me. I became terrified that he was going to kill me. I passed out, and when I came to I was on my stomach and he was behind me trying to push his fingers into me anally. When I started crying again, he told me to shut up and started calling me name. He then tried to push himself into me anally. I was doing everything I could to stop him, and he finally did give up trying. He moved me back onto my back and started to rape me again. My body seemed to have stopped working, I couldn’t fight him anymore and I stopped yelling, but I remember still crying.

When he was done, he just rolled over and seemed to fall asleep. I was finally able to make my body move again. I got up and managed to leave his apartment.

It was nearly 4 a.m. before I was able to leave…it had been 6 hours of hell that he put me through. ____________________________________________________________

My life hasn’t been the same since that night. I was doing so much better;it had been a year and half of counseling; I was piecing my life back together at that night tore everything I had worked for away. Slowly, through the help of those that I have to support me I am realizing that he won’t win, that I have control of my life, and though it might be a long road I’m not alone.

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TW: alcohol, Rape. #Weshattersilence submission from 22 Years Old in Whittier, CA

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When i was 15 my virginity was taken from someone who claimed to be my friend. he was 2 years older than me. i had never drank before so i didnt know that 10 shots of tequila would do the trick. i dont remember much else from that day other than waking up having someone sitting there staring at me wondering if i was breathing. he told people that i let him. how was i capable of that? he took advantage and to this day i have such horrible memories of my first time being taken from me….

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TW: sexual assault. #Weshattersilence submission from 19 Years Old in Sterling Heights, MI

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I was sexually assaulted twice once by a stranger once by a close friend. I went to the authoritys and was called a liar. I will not be silent any longer.

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TW: Rape. #Weshattersilence submission from 21 Years Old in Woodland, PA

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I was 20 years old. And i was going through a tough divorce from a military relationship. “Paul;” was my best friend and was helping me through divorce. Or so i thought. My family was on vacation and i had let “paul” stay at my house because i didn’t want to be alone. (the ex’s family was crazy). He had kissed me before that night. But i saw it as nothing more than very good friends. That night, as i lay in my bed, he forced himself on me. I said no, he just pushed harder. I cried, trying to push him off me, afraid that he’d hurt me.

I was so afraid to tell anyone, so i did nothing. You always hear about the rape cases that nothing ever gets done about. About 9 months later, after my baby boy was born, i decided to speak out about what he had done. But it was too late. My mom had known about it, my therapist, my current boyfriend. Their support helped but it didn’t cure. “paul”; gets visitation of my babyboy and continues to take peices of my soul away from me.

My word of advice: please please dont wait to tell someone. They can help

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