When I was 9 years old I was sexually abused by a boy 5 years older than me (he was 14). It was on the bus. I told him to stop and he wouldnt stop, He touched my breast and My vaginal and butt area. I was ashamed, scared, and embarrassed. I was ashamed because it sometimes felt a little good. I knew nothing about sex or anthing like that. I was only 9 and in 3rd grade! I didn’t tell my parents at all. It went on for about a year and a half.I had nightmares almost everynight. Dreams like me running down a never-ending hall, then he would catch me,pin me down, and rape me. I would wake up crying, but still was to ashamed and afraid to tell my parents. This went on for a year. I was terrified of the dark and began sleeping with my light on. So just incase he ever came to my house I could see him and scream. (in my 9 year old mind thats what I thoguht) When I was in 4th grade his brother made (blow job) hand jester to me. Some of the older girls seen this happening and told. Thats when everything came out, I told my parents everything. I felt a little better getting it off my chest. My dad someone I never seen cry, cried his eyes out. He was so deeply hurt. I was afraid of all men. Even my own brother and dad, who I know would never do anything like that and havent. My dad went to the juvinile and talked to some people there. They said it was my word against his, and he would probably just get off scott free. There was nothing that could be done. My dad went to the school that I was at (I no longer go there) and they told him it was a year ago and there was nothing they could do about it. Although it happened there. My parents didn’t want to put me through that kind of pain of watching him no get into trouble for the wrong he did. I still see him. I’m not over it. Everytime I see him I become that 9 year old little girl all over again. The other day I seen him in Wallmart, I froze up, grabbed my moms shirt, and broke down into tears. I cried from Wall Mart all the way to my grandparents. Non-stop. I still have dreams every great once in a while. Mostly just after I seen him. I hope I will get through this all. Thats why Im gonna start handing out poster and hopefully get people to help me pass out things and help people understand it! If I could keep even just one girl from going through what I went through, I would be satified! I want people to be educated! Or if they have been through something like this, To tell them not to be ashamed and their not alone like I once thought myself! You can make it through this with the help and love of people around you.
I was 14. I had a bestfriend. I loved her very much. She has 4 sisters 3 were triplets all girls, aged 10. 1 sister aged 11 and of course her aged 13. She was a year younger than me. Her family was like my family. I went to all family reunions and everything, and since I dont know my dad I was very close to her dad. But he wanted to be closer. When I would spend the night; wich was all the time every weekend, all weekend and I would usually be over there on weekdays from after-school till about nine.
At first he would look at me wierd and wink, and hold my hand and kiss me on the lips. He would always cuddle with me and be really nice. Since I had never had a real dad that I was really close to, I just figured it was normal, and I let it go. Soon he moved on to touching my butt and waking me up in the middle of the night to give me a kiss, he would rub my face.
Soon he was touching my breasts, but never in front of anyone. But he did that to all of his daughters, he would give them titty-twisters, and un hook their bra, but they really didn’t have boobs yet!
He never did that to me but one day my best friend and I were sitting on his lap, and he told her to unhook my bra, and it hooked in the front! I was wearing a tanktop so if it came undone they would fly out!! he was holding me down and she was trying to unhook my bra. I had been telling her what he was doing she told me to tell him to stop but i was scared. While she was trying to get my bra undone she noticed he was looking down my shirt and she stopped she told him she couldn’t get it! He looked diappointed. She told me to slap him and tell him to quit but I didn’t know how he would react. I didn’t know if he would think I was stupid for thinking that he was trying to make a move on me..
Soon he was sticking his pants on my butt and on my side like my thigh, trying to make his way to my vaginia. But I stoped him everytime. This was constant and very annoying. He would walk me to bed and ask me to lift my shirt or pull down my pants and I always said no. I was not sure what to do. I never told anyone. I always pretended to be sick or asleep so he would leave me alone, sometimes it worked sometime it didn’t!
One weekend we walked to a pizzaria, because he is the manager and he has the key and can get free food. And he kept asking me if he could stick his hand down my pants and i said no like a million times but he was drunk.. still it was no excuse he kept asking me why and i said because i love you and your family.. He said please!! i said no! and i remember his exact words! He said your right i am a dick, i am sorry please forgive me. I said “its fine” and he said “no its not i am a dick” and after that no more than 10 min later he said so can I. and I said no!!
About a week later my friend left for cincinnati to spend the night with her grandma, she had to go to work with her for school! and i spent the night over there anyways! the next day he woke me up and asked me to lay in bed with him and watch a movie and that was really normal! But he was asking me again if he could stick his hand in my pants and i said no! But then he was above he with one hand next to me and the other down my pants fingering me! It scared me to death, but there was footsteps comming up the stairs so he quit! I can remember the look on his face, and it haunts me! But i wrote my other friend a letter at school explaining what had happend and i didn’t have the guts to give it to her so i braught it home!
The next day i went ice skating with all of the girls and him. But when we got back I got a phone call, it was my stepdad he was comming to get me and he was mad! He had went into my room and read the letter! I had to tell my friend that i couldn’t see her anymore and why.. She told her mom and he had already cheated on he 3 times that she knew of, but they belived him! He refused to take the lie detector test. I had to get an exam and 4 sessions of councelling. I had to go to grand jury and they didn’t ever convict him because of lack of physical evidence!! and he is still walking today!
When I was a freshman in high school (i’m now a junior) one of my ex-boyfriends transferred to my school. I had dated him for 3 months a couple of years before and he had been violently possessive. We started hanging out again because he seemed like he had changed. He started giving me rides home after school and on one occasion he drove to a secluded place a short drive away from my house and raped me. I still talked to him at school and stuff, but i was scared of him and didn’t want to be around him. During summer break, he stopped by my house when my mom wasn’t home. i had been getting ready to get in the shower and told him to wait on the front porch while i went and changed into some clothes instead of my robe. He followed me back to my bedroom instead and shoved me down on my bed. He was attempting to rape me again when my grandfather walked in. He threw my ex out of the house and told him not to come in, then told my mom that he had been there. My whole family decided that since i had slept with him while we were dating that he didn’t have to take no for an answer. He recently got busted for raping a 14 year old girl and she asked me and a friend of mine (who he also raped)to be at their court date.
At 21, I was happy and successful. I had a loving family, great friends, a man who loved me, a good job, nice car, and I was living on my own. One of my male friends asked if he could stay with me while his apartment was being prepared for him to move in. I told him yes after talking it over with my roommate.
My boyfriend from Chicago came to visit me one weekend, and my friend didn’t like it. I didn’t understand why he was so angry with me. After my boyfriend left for the evening, my attacker and I got into an argument after which he spent the next few hours raping me.
There was no way I was able to stop him from doing what he wanted to do to me. He had me pinned down on my bed, ignoring my screams, tears, and hits. When he stole my most precious and priceless gift reserved for my future husband, I died. When he penetrated me, he took my virginity.
I only remember bits and pieces of the remainder of that night. After he left my room, I curled into a ball in the middle of my bed and cried. At some point, I got up removed my clothes and bedsheets and washed them. I took boiling hot water with bleach and started cleaning my house. I scrubbed the floors, tables, and vacuumed the couch where he was sleeping. I don’t know at what point he left the house, but I noticed he was gone. While I was cleaning I tried to be quiet, so I wouldn’t wake up my roommate. I didn’t want to have to explain to her what just happened and why I was crying.
I don’t remember how long I stood in the shower scrubbing my skin. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed, angry and frustrated that I still didn’t feel clean. I could still feel his hands on me, and I scrubbed harder. My skin was so raw and tender when I got out of the shower, but I wanted to get back in and scrub some more.
I went to work the next day, speaking to no one, only speaking when I had to. I had no idea of how I was going to tell my parents or my boyfriend. I didn’t want to hear the I told you so’s. I didn’t want to be touched, looked at, or even thought of by anyone because I felt so dirty, ashamed, as if what happened to me was my fault.
For me, the letters of rape stand for removing all possible evidence, because that’s what happened to me. The person I was before the rape, was gone. The letters of survivor stand for strengthening, understanding, respecting victims of incest, violent crimes, or rape. The sexual assault support group through Stepping Stones of the YWCA helps me because I’m strengthened by sharing my experience as well as listening to the experiences of others.