I was first molested by a neighborhood bully at the age of 10. And then from age 14 to 27 I was molested by a family member. In my late 30s I was raped by someone who I was sleeping with. I’m not proud of it but he wanted his friend to touch me and I didn’t want that. After his friend left I wanted nothing. But he started touching me and I said no and he wouldn’t stop and I froze up. Last year I was raped Again by somebody else. I already told him no I wanted nothing more from him but he still came over and raped me. He pinned me against my bedroom wall and I kept telling him no he was much stronger than I was he locked my bedroom door and wouldn’t let me leave. I told him I didn’t want to get hurt but he said nothing. he then pushed my back to the bed and pin me down on the bed and I kept telling him no and then I told him to go f*** his f****** wife which was his girlfriend he was living with. He acted as though he didn’t hear me nor did he care any still rape me after I kept telling him no eventually froze up didn’t cry nothing. He even almost choked me but did stop after he realized I struggled to breathe, even apologized for the near choking. He started pulling my shorts off, I wanted it over with scared. I wanted him gone. It was over quickly. Afterwards he acted as if nothing happened and I felt that it didn’t happen. after he left it started going through my head and I still don’t even want to think about it. I know no means no but I still felt I deserved it because I didn’t love him he didn’t care about me. I guess it was the only way that get me to realize that he was heartless and to keep him away. Nothing was ever done I filed charges but the cops didn’t believe me because I slept with him before so there’s nothing else I can do but to try to get healing for myself from my childhood and even from last year. I still blame myself even though the logic sides knows the truth even though I feel like I’m never going to be believed again I can’t trust anybody but I still have hope because I have to take care of my son. One day it’ll all be behind me I live a better life all that will not affect me as it does now. I may not trust anybody right now afraid to get close have triggers and fear for so much but one day it will all be behind. I don’t know if I’ll be able to tell the full story of what happened last year because of the shame I still carry and part of me still not ready to process but I don’t know. All I know is that I said no several times and he wouldn’t let me go I may have not been threatened or being beaten but he wouldn’t let me go.he d I don’t have to say a word in court, but judges for restraining order told him not to because he could incriminate himself since he couldn’t afford a lawyer. I had to speak in front of people scared, humiliated and felt I wasn’t believed so I must have deserved it anyways as tho it doesn’t matter what I thought. I’m in therapy, even intensive therapy for suicidal thoughts. How dare I think that way because I have my son, we are all each other has so I must stay alive. I won’t let them win, nor can I be silent. No means no!!! I did not deserve that.
I was raped… 7 and a half weeks ago by the guy I was “dating”.Yes, I´m over 30 and I was raped. I trusted him and felt “safe” around him. He had been extra kind that night, super attentive… we had been together before and it was always fun…until that night… he was working at a concert and I was there for fun, to see him, because it was a beautiful full moon night. I knew he worked late so I told him I was leaving and he walked me to my car. Told me to meet him around the back. He got in my car with me and raped me. I said no, I begged, I kicked, I cried… He said it was pleasing him, he said “well, I´m already in”… I couldn´t escape… I was in shock, terrified, sad… How could he do this to me? I´ve tried to understand why? I know Ill never have an answer… I´ve been trying to pull my life together these weeks… when someone asks me how Im doing, I wonder do they really want to know??? Everyone thinks he´s so great… a local war hero… ha! and yet I didnt report it… I felt I had everything to lose. I believe in the power of sharing our stories of healing and fighting this f*cked up culture together. I dont want to be silent even if Im scared.
When I was 12 I had a crush on an older boy “dylan” who I was in choir with. Every rehearsal I would try to give him a nice smile hoping I would get his attention, unfortunately, I got his attention. One day during rehearsal he walked over to me and told me that I seemed cool and he wanted to be friends. He explained to me that if I asked the conductor to go to the bathroom,and if he asked to go to the bathroom, we could both sneak out of rehearsal and “make friends”. This made me feel so cool. I thought I was gonna hang out with and older kid and have fun, so of course I said yes. After that we both asked to leave at the same time, and as we were walking out, “dylan” shoved me into the women’s restroom (unfortunately it was empty besides us two) and pinned me to a wall and started to kiss and molest me. He later on shoved me to the ground and forced me to give him oral sex and then came all over my face. During that same year he stalked me and crept around my house. I hope that one day I can lift this feeling of uncleanness and shame off of my shoulders once and for all.