When I was a young girl, about 7 years old, my cousin, “Jen” and I were being molested by our older cousin, “Eric”. We both loved him but he wouldnt stop and “Jen” and I didnt know what to do. We knew that we should tell our parents but it was too hard so we just kept quiet. after a while it just got to be too much for “Jen” and I so she told her parents and her parents told mine. She thought i would be mad at her but i was really relieved that i didnt have to say it. And now we dont ever see “Eric” again. and im glad that we’ve learned to speak up about what’s bothering us.
I was living with my boyfriend, and everything was good…until he started acting different. He became violent, and spit in my face and hurt me. I was left with bruises, and so hurt. He made me get on the ground to lick his shoe. (At this time we were no longer dating…he had a different girlfriend, who was pregnant with his child.) He forced me to perform oral sex, and I was crying the whole time, saying that I didn’t want to. He threatened to kill me if I didn’t, and he said he was going to let other people rape me. I was screaming and crying, his hands were around my neck, moving my head. I was so disgusted, that I threw up. He didn’t even care…
When I was eight years old, my oldest brother sexually assaulted me for two years. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t do anything to stop it because it was all I knew. One day before my mom left, I asked her not to go because I didn’t want to be alone with him in the house. She asked why and I finally told her. His defense was that it wasn’t just one-sided, but I didn’t know what else to do but let him do it. Things got awkward after that, but now he doesn’t even speak with us, has a wife and kid and is just fine, i suppose. When i told my mother that, i felt like i lost 300 pounds of non-physical weight. So speak up and start saying this slogan to yourself and others: Lift the Weight; Don’t Wait.
When I was in sixth grade, my brother started sexualy harassing me. Finally one day, he was successful with rape. It was horrible. I hate it so much and I can never think of him the same now. But I have moved on from that, and it made me stronger, and able to handle more things.
I was nine, and living with my grandparents. My grandfather would rape me everyday before my grandmom got home, and when I said no, he would beat me. Sometimes he would come into my room at night while I was sleeping and pin me to my bed while he raped me. This went on for 4 years, and no one ever noticed. I honestly believed that I was unloveable, because someone who loved me would stop the pain. Then someone reported it to CPS, and he left my life. I’m still having some problems related to it, like I still don’t trust people very much, and I’m afraid to be touched by anyone at times. But its better than it ever was, and I’m grateful.
I was staying at my friends house like i had many times before. she fell asleep on the floor, while i fell asleep on the couch .. her father was sitting at the end of this couch. i woke up with him touching me on the chest..i didnt know what to do i was so scared, i was thinking to myself if i yell he may turn violent, so i sat there and prayed to god that this would end i was screaming so loud inside but no one could here me. He reached his hand lower onto my body, he got to the lining of my pants and i pretended to shift in my sleep. it worked he moved his hand back up 2 my chest but know.. his body was moving, i had no idea what he was doing. he was grabbing me harder on the chest now and then i realized he had been masturbating. Tears were pourin from my eyes, i tried not to let him see and to still pretend to be asleep. He left the house when someone called shortly after…I broke down when he left i didnt tell anyone though. not until recently. I dont dare tell my friend though.. im too scared she’ll hate me. i still dont understand why this happened to me or what i did wrong or any of the things i feel now. That night something inside me changed, its like an innocent part of me died. Any child like feelings i had left me that night. And reality struck me.
at a young age i would say about 5 ish my older brother started to molest me at the time i didnt know what he was doing but as i got older i started to understand but he told me not to tell so i didnt but at the age of ten my cousin spoke up i never knew that she had been abused to i thought i was the only one and that if i spoke up that every one would think im bad. so since she spoke up my brother had to go to counseling he stopped everything he was doing. at the age of 13 i started having thoughts of suicide and i started cutting and doing drugs such as weed and riddelin and aderal ect. my parents had no idea of what was going on in my life because i hid it so well i was always smiling and i was thought of as the goody goody one night i tried to kill myself and took 4 riddelen thinking it would do the trick but i woke up the next morning just fine. i just recently started going to a youth group and i have been saved and i do not feel the need to cut any more and i dont have thoughts of suicide although i do write about my life in poetry i have forgiven my brother and now we are very close.now because of all i have gone through i share my story with other people to help raise the awareness and i want to be a youth pastor so that i can help other young people out of situations like mine. to all of you who are to afraid to speak up TELL SOMEONE i made the mistake of waiting to long to speak up and some one else was being hurt also. you could not only save yourself but others around you.
I have never spoken about what has happened with other people only in my head.My cousins both brothers sexual assaulted me by making me do things and them doing things to me.I hate reliving these thing because i cannot even take a simple shower without feeling sick about what has happened i hate it i wish it never happend. The things they did makes me wish someone would speak up,but I read in Seventeen about this girl that had the same problem with her cousin I feel ok knowing that I am not the only person but I will always have to live this memory in my head.
I wrote this poem after being raped and the follow up I am also submitting:
I was wrapped in the peaceful tranquility of dreams.
I woke sharply to the sound of breaking glass.
My sleep drugged mind was bewildered by the sound.
Before I could clear my head and react, you were there.
Looming in the doorway dark and threatening.
I tried to choke out a scream, awash in sudden fear.
Thinking desperately of the little boy in the next room.
My eyes frantically searched the room for a weapon.
Asking myself why I never thought to keep one in the bedroom.
You lunged in my direction and I tried to dodge past.
Your arms around my waist, lifting me off of my feet.
Tossing me ruthlessly back to the bed, hitting my head on the wall.
Everything was hazy, my vision a red blur before my eyes.
Your hands groped at me, easily deflecting my struggles.
Pinned down beneath your crushing weight I began to sob.
My limbs were immobilized, my throat clogged with terror.
Desperately grasping at any defense I spit in your face.
Your retribution left my cheek torn and my mouth bleeding.
You grappled at your pants and I kicked at you blindly.
Your brutal fingers clasped about my throat choked the fight out of me.
From some unseen pocket came a thick leather cord.
I whimpered desolately, pleading with my eyes, as you wrapped it tight.
Binding my wrists the excess forming a noose about my neck.
Savagely ripping my nightgown from neck to hem.
Exposing vulnerable unmarked flesh to your brutality.
Your nails bit viciously into the skin of my breast.
Your stale, alcohol laced breath washed over me nauseatingly.
Your words hit me like drops of acid rain, flaying my soul.
Your hate became a tangible force between us.
Looming and lurking like a vengeful shadow.
I felt you free yourself and struggled anew.
The cord tying me closing off my airway with every movement of my arms.
Afraid of the unknown blackness seeping around my consciousness.
I lie still, holding awareness as my last thread to survival.
Blood trickled over my body from your blows.
My tears mixed with your sweat, leaving me weak and shaking.
My heart begged for this to end, my mind praying it was a dream.
With unrelenting cruelty your mouth crushed mine, biting my lip.
Your hand pulling fiercely on my hair forcing my head back.
The leather dug deeply into my skin lacerating the flesh it tied.
You forced me to look at you, spewing hate filled taunts.
Wanting me to see you, wanting your face to burn inside my memory.
Looking into your eyes I despaired at what I saw.
They were empty, devoid of any trace of humanity, any remorse.
I knew what was going to happen and I knew I was powerless to stop it.
I willed my soul to go someplace else, but your relentless words chained me.
I couldn’t escape the biting voice in my ear, in my mind.
You knew it, I could see it, you were aroused by my helplessness.
You wanted me weakened and at your nonexistent mercy.
Fresh tears of desolation rolled over my cheeks as you laughed evilly.
When i believed my body couldn’t possibly hurt more you proved me wrong.
The tool of your vindictive punishment plunged into my unyielding flesh.
A scream tore from my throat of such agony I didn’t recognize it as my own.
Again and again, each stroke more excruciating than the last.
I felt my body tearing under your torture, tender flesh forever marred.
I wanted to die, I begged to be taken from this hellish prison of my body.
One thought bound me to my mortal form.
Keeping me tied to a reality forever altered.
I thought of the sleeping child on the other side of the wall.
I couldn’t let you win, not completely, I would never give you that victory.
Your depraved touch told me that that was exactly what you wanted.
Absolute domination, complete defeat of every part of me.
Mind, body and soul now in your ruthless clutches.
I felt your body shudder and heave from a great distance, detached by pain.
From somewhere above me I watched you lift your weight away.
You looked at me mockingly, spewing more searing taunts.
A fistful of hair brought us nose to nose as you searched my eyes.
Searching for proof of your victory, proof of my downfall.
Seemingly satisfied you shoved me away, spitting in my face.
You casually lit a cigarette before walking back out the door.
As if you hadn’t just abused my spirit and damaged my soul.
Torn, broken, and bleeding I curled onto my side.
Trying to become as small as possible, trying to hide from the memory.
I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think, my body lay shaking.
Conscious thought escaped me as I tried to will movement into my limbs.
Frozen, still bound in your nightmare, I lay shivering and bleeding.
An eternity passed before I heard distant sirens, saw flashing lights.
They came through the door with guns at the ready.
In my terror locked mind, I tried to get away from them.
Knowing only that I hurt in unimaginable ways.
Unable to comprehend that they were there to help.
Three paramedics and a wicked dose of morphine finally did the trick.
I stared fuzzily at the ceiling as they freed my hands, and took pictures.
Numbly hearing them move around the room searching for evidence.
As I fell into drug induced stupor, your face burned behind my eyelids.
Never again would I sleep without your image. Carved irrevocably into my consciousness.
This is a follow up poem to the previously submitted Demon Night:
Demon of My Nights
Since your vicious attack on my spirit,
My mind and my soul have been hiding.
Locked in a tiny cell in the prison of your hate.
The demons guarding me have been ruthless.
Your relentless cruelty is a bruise upon my heart.
Yet as I look around me I see the walls dissolving.
Brick by brick they’re melting away before me.
The impenetrable bars are turning to ash in my hands.
Your bloodthirsty grip on my throat is lessened.
I can breathe again, life seeps into my veins.
The chains of terror that bound me are disappearing.
You’re still there, a shadow in the darkness.
Calling my name in my dreams, a dimming spectre.
You’re losing your grip upon my life.
I’m turning my back on your torment and on you.
For too long I’ve been your captive, your victim.
I am no longer begging for release.
YOU WILL LET ME GO!!!!!
Your image will haunt me no longer.
I’ll become deaf to your taunts.
You can no longer hurt me.
I’m taking back what was never yours.
All that you stole from me is once again mine.
You have no power over me.
Well, when I was born, my mom was married to an abusive man who constantly hit her and told us that he was going to kill all of us. When I turned about 5, he started to molest me when my mom was gone. I didn’t understand what it was but it felt gross.When I turned 6, he started to rape me. I thought I was being punished for being bad. As I got older it got worse, but after my 2 brothers and 1 sister were born, mom finally left him. I felt dirty and insecure for years, but finally told my counselor. It felt SOO good! I Have been going to groups and now am very active in anything to make it safe.