I was first molested by a neighborhood bully at the age of 10. And then from age 14 to 27 I was molested by a family member. In my late 30s I was raped by someone who I was sleeping with. I’m not proud of it but he wanted his friend to touch me and I didn’t want that. After his friend left I wanted nothing. But he started touching me and I said no and he wouldn’t stop and I froze up. Last year I was raped Again by somebody else. I already told him no I wanted nothing more from him but he still came over and raped me. He pinned me against my bedroom wall and I kept telling him no he was much stronger than I was he locked my bedroom door and wouldn’t let me leave. I told him I didn’t want to get hurt but he said nothing. he then pushed my back to the bed and pin me down on the bed and I kept telling him no and then I told him to go f*** his f****** wife which was his girlfriend he was living with. He acted as though he didn’t hear me nor did he care any still rape me after I kept telling him no eventually froze up didn’t cry nothing. He even almost choked me but did stop after he realized I struggled to breathe, even apologized for the near choking. He started pulling my shorts off, I wanted it over with scared. I wanted him gone. It was over quickly. Afterwards he acted as if nothing happened and I felt that it didn’t happen. after he left it started going through my head and I still don’t even want to think about it. I know no means no but I still felt I deserved it because I didn’t love him he didn’t care about me. I guess it was the only way that get me to realize that he was heartless and to keep him away. Nothing was ever done I filed charges but the cops didn’t believe me because I slept with him before so there’s nothing else I can do but to try to get healing for myself from my childhood and even from last year. I still blame myself even though the logic sides knows the truth even though I feel like I’m never going to be believed again I can’t trust anybody but I still have hope because I have to take care of my son. One day it’ll all be behind me I live a better life all that will not affect me as it does now. I may not trust anybody right now afraid to get close have triggers and fear for so much but one day it will all be behind. I don’t know if I’ll be able to tell the full story of what happened last year because of the shame I still carry and part of me still not ready to process but I don’t know. All I know is that I said no several times and he wouldn’t let me go I may have not been threatened or being beaten but he wouldn’t let me go.he d I don’t have to say a word in court, but judges for restraining order told him not to because he could incriminate himself since he couldn’t afford a lawyer. I had to speak in front of people scared, humiliated and felt I wasn’t believed so I must have deserved it anyways as tho it doesn’t matter what I thought. I’m in therapy, even intensive therapy for suicidal thoughts. How dare I think that way because I have my son, we are all each other has so I must stay alive. I won’t let them win, nor can I be silent. No means no!!! I did not deserve that.
I was raped… 7 and a half weeks ago by the guy I was “dating”.Yes, I´m over 30 and I was raped. I trusted him and felt “safe” around him. He had been extra kind that night, super attentive… we had been together before and it was always fun…until that night… he was working at a concert and I was there for fun, to see him, because it was a beautiful full moon night. I knew he worked late so I told him I was leaving and he walked me to my car. Told me to meet him around the back. He got in my car with me and raped me. I said no, I begged, I kicked, I cried… He said it was pleasing him, he said “well, I´m already in”… I couldn´t escape… I was in shock, terrified, sad… How could he do this to me? I´ve tried to understand why? I know Ill never have an answer… I´ve been trying to pull my life together these weeks… when someone asks me how Im doing, I wonder do they really want to know??? Everyone thinks he´s so great… a local war hero… ha! and yet I didnt report it… I felt I had everything to lose. I believe in the power of sharing our stories of healing and fighting this f*cked up culture together. I dont want to be silent even if Im scared.
I met Justin in Alcoholics Anonymous, I was 19 years old at the time. He was in his mid thirties. At first he showered me with positive attention, attention I wasn’t getting at home. While it seemed nice in the beginning, looking back I realize he was grooming me. Things progressed very quickly in our “relationship.” Lovely texts soon became demands for sexual pictures and videos. He would force me to do these things for him through coercion and manipulation. If I didn’t give him what he wanted, he would just ignore me or make me feel bad about myself.
We didn’t just have an online “relationship” though. We eventually met up when I went away for college. He bought a cheap motel room for the night and raped me while I was heavily under the influence of drugs. Over the course of our time together, he raped me on three different occasions, filming two of the rapes.
I was only able to get away from him when I started dating my now deceased fiancé Kyle. During the course of that relationship, I found out that Justin had shown the videos of my rapes to other men in AA. I found out about this through a friend who also attended the fellowship. Justin was not my only rapist, but he was my first attacker. He took my virginity, self esteem, and self worth. I feel very angry and stupid to this day, especially since he got away with everything.
Even though he took so much from me, I have to remember that I’m a survivor. I just fell victim to a predator.
It was my second summer as a camp counselor and I had a crush on a guy that I was working with. We would have days off and he invited me to come to a cottage with a couple of friends. Little did I know I was the only girl who went. I felt the pressure to impress him and the only way I knew how to do that at 16 years old was to interest him sexually. But when it was about to happen, I said I didn’t want it anymore. He said he already had the condom on so that it wasn’t fair. After it happened, he laughed at me and left the room. I had to sleep there that night because I had no where else to go. The next morning we all drove back to camp and he made me hug him before I left. I’m writing this for all the other young women out there who feel the pressure to engage in sexual activities with someone in order to get their attention.
I was sexually abused by my father for a period of 6 years while I was growing up. Now, as a grown adult, I find that I was not alone in this plight, friends and other family members are also effected. I was shocked to read that one in four women are effected by sexual abuse. I feel that this is an undercurrent in society and that it must be dealt with, rather than keeping silent about a huge issue.
Silence only continues the abuse, not dealing with it and minimising the effects cause so much sorrow and pain. Why is everyone so silent. Why? Why must this topic be so difficult to talk about – why is there shame and guilt? It is a crime, it should be treated as such.
Why are the courts so overloaded, allowing the perps to continue walking, abusing? Why must I be told to wait for justice, if I ever receive justice at all.
From an early age, I was subjected to sexual abuse. I was victimized by a relative when I was a child, yet barely anyone believed me. None of my abusers ever had to serve any time in jail. I got into a marriage ruled by Domestic Violence. I left my husband when I was 6 months pregnant. I didn’t get involved with anyone for another several years. That was a mistake, too – he became very violent and I left him only about a month or two after we started seeing one another. It was only a few months later when I was raped. The only way I can prosecute him is if I show up HIV+. Thank God I’m negative, but I haven’t been with anyone since then. I now volunteer with Survivor’s, Inc. and am on the Board of Directors for the same organization. I am currently a college student and trying to get TBTN and DVA Nights started here. I also write poetry and wrote a song called “Take Back The Night” which I perform yearly. I have nothing to hide and only want to help other victims find their voice. There’s more to my story, but not enough space here to tell you. Bless you for having this site and for helping others!
My story begins in late October of 2003. I had met “Ryan” online. I guess I should have known to be more careful, but since the time my father had passed away I had become more reckless, I was somewhat promiscuous. I met with “Ryan” several times, and we started getting closer. On October 31st,a saturday, the program that I lived with at college was going to be having a halloween party. “Ryan” expressed an interest in coming down to it, so I drove up to his house to bring him down.
When I got to his house, he had already been drinking. I guess looking back that should have been my first sign, but like I said “what if’s” won’t help me write this. We left his house, returning to my school, and he continued to drink the entire way back to school and he continued to get worse and worse.
Once we got there and got up to my dorm room so I could change, he began to be beligerant to my roommate and was harassing her. She left to go to the party, I finished getting ready, and we headed downstairs to the part. By this time he wasn’t feeling well and was getting sick, so I told one of the girls running the party that I would be back later, because I was supposed to help out.
I ran back upstairs and changed out of my costume. I was a victorian vampire, I can remember all the details of my dress: the color, the way my hair was, my makeup. So many insignificant details. I can see my friend when i told her I had to leave, I remeber all the decorations in the basement. I can see it all in perfect detail, those few hours before my life was forever changed.
The drive back was pretty uneventful, with the exception of him trying to get out of my car while I was doing 70 on the freeway. I got him home and while he was able to get out of the car by himself, he almost passedout at the door, and I had to use his keys to get into his house. He crawled in the door and passed out on the floor. Now I had never seen anyone so drunk before and I was worried that he would be ok or not. I helped him up and got him on to the couch. I think back on this moment and wonder why I stayed, why I worried about him. I didn’t know him that well, why did I care. I guess I’ll never be able to answer those questions.
He gained some semblance of consciousness while he was sitting on the couch. I asked him if he was ok, and if he needed anything. He got this look in his eyes, its a look I’ll never forget. I’ll never know how he did it, but he grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me back on the couch. I was wearing a long skirt so he was able to pull it up. I kept telling him no, and that I didn’t want to, but it was like he wasn’t there. His eyes where blank as he watched me struggle against him. He ripped my underwear off and pushed himself inside of me. I remember crying, and I just kept begging him to stop.
I don’t know how much time passed, but he was finally done. He got off me and just went back to sitting on the couch and he turned on the TV. For me it was like I wasnt’ there anymore. I couldn’t understand how he could just sit there like nothing had happened. I sat up, pulling down my skirt, I couldn’t find my underwear. I never said a word to him, I just picked up my purse and calmly walked out the door. The minute the door was closed I ran to my car, it was like as soon as that door was closed between him and me, I could feel again. My body hurt everywhere.
I got in my car and drove. I don’t remember where I went though, school was only half an hour to 45 minutes away and it was about 1am or so. I didn’t get back to my dorm until 10:30 that morning….I have no memory of those hours.
I went to the college wellness center was examined and was given the morning after pill. I tried to continue school, but my grades started slipping. The spring semester rolled around and i was placed on academic probation. I started not going to classes, not doing homework, just generally not caring abotu school because I couldn’t care about myself. Towards the end of the year on of my professors tol dme I would fail his class and that i should get a withdrawal from it, so that it didn’t affect my grades. To do so, I had to petition the deans office. I waited over a week for an answer from them, and when i got it, it wasn’t what I expected. I was granted the withdrawal, but I was being forced to take a leave of absence do that I could deal with my “issues”. The wellness center had told the deans office everything that had happened, and the deans answer to that was to kick me out for a semester. _____________________________________________________________
I would be a year and a half before the semblance of life that I had made for myself would be destroyed again. I had returned to school. I had jumped through every hoop that the deans wanted me to and I was allowed to return.
It was May 7th, the guy that I had been seeing on and off again since January, “Allan,” asked me to come down to visit him. I hadn’t seen him in about a month, so I decided it was a good idea. I had an idea that he was expecting something to happen because we had been intimate before, but it wasn’t what I wanted to see him for. I got there and he buzzed me into his apartment. I went in and he was naked, just about to take a bath. I came in and got settled, I started flipping through the channels on the TV. “Allan” was in the bathtub and he called for me to come to him in the bathroom. I got up and peered around the corner: he was sitting in the tub and he was shaving himself down there. I wouldn’t know how important that was to be until later.
He came out of the bathroom wearing just his boxers and a t-shirt, and sat down next to me to me to watch TV. We smoked some weed and he had a few beers. After while he got hungry so I cooked dinner for him. We continued watching TV for awhile when we leaned over and started kissing me. When he started trying to touch me I told him to stop and that I didn’t want to. He stopped and just went back to watching TV; it was almost like he forgot that I was there. A few minutes passed and he started trying to kiss me again, and one again I told him to stop. This time he stopped long enough to get up and grab my arm and drag me to his bedroom.
He pushed me on to the bed, and because I was wearing a skirt and tank top he was able to just push them up while he went to hold me hands down above my head. When he got my skirt up he pushed his fingers into me. It felt like he was digging his nails into me. The louder I would cry the more he would hurt me. He stopped that and because he was wearing boxers he pushed himself inside of me. He let go of my arms and I started pushing at him trying to get him off of me. He got angry and bit me in several places on my chest. When I started screaming he wrapped his hands around my neck and started choking me. I became terrified that he was going to kill me. I passed out, and when I came to I was on my stomach and he was behind me trying to push his fingers into me anally. When I started crying again, he told me to shut up and started calling me name. He then tried to push himself into me anally. I was doing everything I could to stop him, and he finally did give up trying. He moved me back onto my back and started to rape me again. My body seemed to have stopped working, I couldn’t fight him anymore and I stopped yelling, but I remember still crying.
When he was done, he just rolled over and seemed to fall asleep. I was finally able to make my body move again. I got up and managed to leave his apartment.
It was nearly 4 a.m. before I was able to leave…it had been 6 hours of hell that he put me through. ____________________________________________________________
My life hasn’t been the same since that night. I was doing so much better;it had been a year and half of counseling; I was piecing my life back together at that night tore everything I had worked for away. Slowly, through the help of those that I have to support me I am realizing that he won’t win, that I have control of my life, and though it might be a long road I’m not alone.
When I was a freshman in high school (i’m now a junior) one of my ex-boyfriends transferred to my school. I had dated him for 3 months a couple of years before and he had been violently possessive. We started hanging out again because he seemed like he had changed. He started giving me rides home after school and on one occasion he drove to a secluded place a short drive away from my house and raped me. I still talked to him at school and stuff, but i was scared of him and didn’t want to be around him. During summer break, he stopped by my house when my mom wasn’t home. i had been getting ready to get in the shower and told him to wait on the front porch while i went and changed into some clothes instead of my robe. He followed me back to my bedroom instead and shoved me down on my bed. He was attempting to rape me again when my grandfather walked in. He threw my ex out of the house and told him not to come in, then told my mom that he had been there. My whole family decided that since i had slept with him while we were dating that he didn’t have to take no for an answer. He recently got busted for raping a 14 year old girl and she asked me and a friend of mine (who he also raped)to be at their court date.
when i was fourteen, my “boyfriend,” who was eighteen, came over to my house. my parents had gone out of town and i was staying at a friend’s house, but i went back to mine to hang out with “Kyle” for a while. we were lying on the couch, watching XXX, and i remember thinking that Vin Diesel was so hot. i hate watching him now. anyways, “Kyle” wanted to do things. we made out for a while and he wanted to do more, but i said no. before him, i had never done anything, not even held hands with a boy. he moved so that he was lying on top of me and pushed my sweat pants down. i’m sure he thought he was being nice, because he didn’t go right into it, but i didn’t think so, because i didn’t want to do anything at all. anyways, he raped me, and i didn’t tell anyone. we moved, and finally like a year afterwards i told my friend. i only told my mother last year. i think there should be more organizations out there, or at least more advertised ones, even anonymous ones, because i felt like i had no one to go to. he told me if i told anyone, he’d come with friends and do it again, but i think if there had been an anonymous group i could talk to, i could’ve gotten through it better. please, anyone who has had this happen to them, don’t be shy, because the longer you wait, the worse it gets on your mind.
When I was 12, I was in a relationship. One night he wanted to “have oral sex.” I wasn’t ready for that. He then left me with a scar and some bruises and took my virginity by rape.