I was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend when I was fourteen. I don’t remember much and I guess I might have blacked out from fear. My two friends found out the next day. One moved and one doesn’t talk to me anymore. If it weren’t for the support of one good male friend. I don’t know how I would be able to control my anger. And who knows my ex might have tried to manipulate me again. I didn’t press charges. I’m afraid I’d be called a liar. My school did nothing. He wasn’t allowed near me but when they saw him try to hug me, they just stood there while I stood scared. I won’t be scared anymore.
My story happened about 6 months ago: I went out with this guy for about a year. About six months into our relationship, he got to be sort of controlling. As we went “on and off,” continuously breaking up and getting back together, he just got more controlling. He would constantly put me down, and my friends could see it. They told me what they thought of him, but I wouldn’t be swayed. I refused to see any bad in him. After we went out only two months, we had sex. I was convinced I was in love. I would do anything for him, and he knew it. Then everything turned sexual for him. I can still feel him carressing me “down there” in a public swimming pool. I felt so dirty, but I refused to admit I was wrong about him. All he wanted to do was have sex, and I didn’t. Then, one day, he was at my house, as usual, and we had fought, again, because I wasn’t “in the mood.” He finally gave up and we layed on my bed watching tv. I was soon half asleep. He wispered my name, but I was too tired to ans!wer. I just figured he wanted to ask me to have sex again or something, and I didn’t feel like dealing with that. So I layed still. He began to caress my body. By then I was used to that, as he “touched” me often, but never for long. He then got on top of me, moved my shorts aside, and penetrated. I froze in shock. How disgusting was he that he would have sex with an unconcious person? I began to move as though I was “waking up,” but he didn’t stop. I jumped. Who was this man on top of me? It couldn’t be the man I loved, could it? But it was. I began to fight him off of me, but with no prevail.He was much stronger than me, I was left defenseless. After I struggled for a few seconds, he stopped, pulled me to him, and held me. I just sat there and cried. What was all this? He said to me, “Sshh. It’s okay. You know I’d never hurt you. I love you, and you love me too.” I was in shock. I didn’t tell anyone. It happened again. He seemed relentless. We b!roke up. I turned to “self-mutilation” and anorexia, which caused me to lose 20 pounds (I was five foot seven and weighed 135lbs at the time-I went down to 115lbs and was horribly thin). My friends were worried and took me to the school counselor. But no matter what, I wouldn’t admit it was my ex’s fault. It was mine. After months of going back out with him and breaking up time and again, I decided to end it. Even after being without him for a while, I had nightmares every night, and still do. But after a while I couldn’t take it anymore. I told my closest friends. They were not suprised, but they didn’t say it. They held me as I cried. He still has no idea that I told anyone. Some of my friends are now urging me to tell an adult, but I’m scared to find out what he would do if he found out. I pray to God everyday to help me through this. Slowly I can feel my voice again.
I was 17 when I met him. I was still in high school and he was the cool, older college man. Everything was new and fun and when he told me that I should always wear my hair that way I thought that he liked it, not that he literally wanted me to always wear my hair like that. The abuse started slowly but crept in. I was stripped of everything that was me. I couldn’t eat onions because he had conviced me that I didn’t like them. I mean, how do you forget that you like a food? The abuse got more and more physical. He made everyhing my fault, like it was my fault for burning the supper that I got tossed against the wall. I was so panicked when he would hold me down on the bed with the covers on my face, I still feel like i’m suffocating if there are covers on my face. After being with him over a year, I finally broke free of his abuse. My wonderful sisters and parents came and never said “i told you so” The abuse didnt’ stop with me moving out. He did a lot of emotional damage. I had to find myself again. Make sure I was doing things because I enjoyed them, not becuase it was the way I was supposed to act when I was with him. It has been 5 years and I still have memories of some of the events that I had forgotten that come back to me. Then, I cry or break out in hives. I’m still surviving day after day. We are all survivors. Audre Lorde once said “Your silence will not protect you.” and she is correct. Now is the time to shatter the silence!